It’s fair to say I have reached a point in my life where I am both 100% comfortable with being gay and 0% comfortable with my inability for others to be aware of it.
I came out using this very blog. And yet again I find myself blogging, allowing this dyslexic mind to make sense of things in a structured manner, when I can assure you they are anything but that in my head.
I made a very concious decision when I started my first job for people to know I’m gay. During a break chat before a formal meeting, the question of dates was brought up, our chair person was quite embarrassed when instead of “her” I corrected the pronoun to “him.” And thus everyone knew…and I think it shocked the 2 Christians in the room. I had only come out about 7 months previous to this pronoun problem, and so it was fairly new to me, and although I am still very naive, I wish this wasn’t something I had splashed out (if you’ll pardon the pun.) I am regretting the decision to not be the silent gay my freind is at work, who has done an almost incredible job of just being himself, not denying it when asked, and just being who is is. It’s inspiring.
When I came out I threw myself into “gay” culture, learning the history, the drag, the boys, the camp. And suddenly I could become comfortable with being slightly camp, slightly fay. And although I feel like I do bring a touch of fabulous to the office, I wish that a day could go by without someone mentioning my sexuality, because I rarely do. Work drinks often leave blank banter “don’t be so gay” or “I wouldn’t worry about him chatting you up love” being thrown out there. But these words have hurt, and over the past week I have been saying No to answering questions like this, because I no longer give a shit about my sexuality, why does everyone else now feel the need too?
Last night (although in my head I won, I didn’t) somebody told a group of girls In a bar I was gay…instantly I was their fairy in glittery armour, their “just had gin” GBF. This girl with a fabulous Afro then decided it would be a good idea to guess the sexuality of each member of the group, something which without a doubt pissed me off to a huge extent. I felt an almost shivering sense of responsibility to protect my 2 bearded freinds from a gay hunt. And although it didn’t work, it has now enabled me to remember that the word no, is something I rarely use, and I will be using it a lot more from now on. Fuck heteronormativity, fuck questions about my sex life being allowed to be asked in public because I’m gay being allowed. And fuck saying anything related to my sexuality at work anymore. I may bring the fabulous; but it’s making me more and more anxious. It’s making me feel cheap, and I am by no means cheap.
Also I don’t want people to perceive me as anything less than someone who has conviction, self assurance and someone they can trust. I like to think people can come to me with a problem, that I’m approachable. But thinking about others so much has stopped me thinking about the way I act. See, I’m gay, but I still can’t multitask. I’m at least not living up to one stereotype then!
I struggle with my sexuality daily, my parents although I thought have accepted who I am, don’t seem to understand. My mum often comments on men and asks me to join in, or mentions “that gay man” in KFC she got served by – my initial reaction was that of scarcasm “OMG really in KFC?! What will they do next?!” Every inch of my being wanting to shout “you know what, gay people exist, you’ll be shocked to learn some of us can even ride bikes!” So this is ending as well, if they truly love me as their son then if they have a question I will answer it, but I’m not demeaning myself anymore. I will however provide the odd fashion tip, mainly because my dads choice of “new” cushion makes me want to kill a bitch it’s so ugly!
I have recently also been suffering from panick attacks and anxiety. And although I have had depression following me around, is new. This has been brought on my not loving myself, not saying no and being a yes man. And although I’m not ashamed of it, because I understand others 1000% better as a result, I feel loving myself with help my feelings if low’ness.
I hope my next entry shows a consistently in my “no” nonsense’ness. My straightening up. And my loving heart and lack of anxiety.